I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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