I'm laying in your front yard are you home
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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