i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
