I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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