Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
