Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
