I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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