OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
