her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
