Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
