he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
