I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's always time for handjobs
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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