Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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