is your mom at the bar?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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