I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
