you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
