dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
