The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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