I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
