peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
