I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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