Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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