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plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
