I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
