'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
