I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
