On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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