After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
