we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
