I need to stop coming to work sober
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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