are you still at the devil's house?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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