i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize