All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
