Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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