I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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