i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i love accidental penises.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
