I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
