I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
