Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Less talking, more tequila
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
