i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
