Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
