I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
