8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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