No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
