dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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