I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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