True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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