if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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