Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
