She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I did not marry a roomba.
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