Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
