you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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