Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
