Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
