I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
