i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
