Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
