i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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