you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
