You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
