Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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