end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
