nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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