You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
