I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
