4 words: hood of his car
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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