woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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