your parents love me but you hate me
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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