Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
