just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
