Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
